Tale of Two Funerals

TALE OF TWO FUNERALS

"A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." Proverbs. 22:1.

Some people say, "I don’t care what people think about me." Well, maybe or maybe not. Some people say that in defense of their own poor behavior. They really do care. Either way, I think we should. The Bible says we should. There is something to a name, which the follow story illustrates.

He was somewhere in his late fifties to mid-sixties, I can’t remember. He lived at home with his 80+ year old mother. I should say he "mooched" off his mother. He was unemployed, lazy and a ne’er-do-well. He sat at home and drank, that was pretty much his life. And his mother enabled this man’s dysfunctional behavior. She permitted his behavior, coddled him, and even supported his behavior.

I did this man’s funeral. No more than fifteen people were present. It wasn’t because the weather was bad. Nor was it because no one knew him. The man spent his whole life in this little community. The reason so few people showed up at this man’s funeral is that people did know him, but didn’t regard his life as one worth honoring.

Why do we have funeral services? Having done dozens of them, I think I can say that there are two reasons. One, we want to support the family members and close friends of the deceased. They are grieving and we want them to know we care. Maybe our expressions of concern will touch their heart and strengthen their resolve to go on. The second reason we have funerals is to honor the deceased. Our presence at the funeral indicates that we feel the life of the deceased is worth remembering. We listen to the stories of the life this person lived. We laugh and cry at the pictures in the power point presentation. We nod our heads when the preacher says, "This man or woman lived a life worth remembering. We honor the one who has gone on.

I think one big reason people did not attend the man’s funeral I just told you about is because not many people felt his life was worth honoring. It was very sad.

Contrast his life and funeral with that of a fifteen-year old’s funeral I performed some years later. This lad lived a very short life. But it was a good life. Not that everything in this boy’s life was good. His dad left the family to pursue his number-one love: alcohol. His mom had to carry on with two pre-teen boys and a very limited income. It was tough situation. The boy was hurt and needed his dad. Men from our church stepped in and tried to help encourage the boy, take him on outings, mentor him.

Everyone who spent time with this kid loved him. He was very personable and friendly. He asked questions. He was forward enough that he would ask to come back to your house! And no one would tell him, "No!" Everyone was glad to have him back. He was great kid.

When a tragic accident claimed his life at age 15, the whole community mourned. Five hundred people showed up for the funeral. Five hundred people crammed into a room without air conditioning in the summertime to show love and support for the mom and little brother, and to honor the life of this young boy. His life was very short, but it was well lived, even under trying conditions.

After I performed the first funeral, I went home empty and sad. I told my wife that I did not want my life to end like this man’s - unacknowledged.

After I performed the boy’s funeral, I went home, sat in a chair on my front porch, and cried harder than I ever have in my adult life. The loss of this boy not only hurt the community, it broke my heart. And I thought, I want to have my life count like the life of this kid. I hope I can touch as many people in a meaningful way.

In my heart, I still grieve for what must have been the emptiness of the man. I also still grieve for my young friend who would be 24 years old today. But I also feel joy at the quality of his life, and look forward to seeing him again. Once and awhile I say, "I’ll see you on the other side, Cole."

(Note: the idea for this article came after reading An Obituary that really made me think... Please link over there for a good read.)

Warren Baldwin

Process of Forgiving

PROCESS OF FORGIVING

Forgiveness is not something that happens automatically or easily. This is especially true if what you must forgive is something very personal and painful.

Colossians 3:12-13 says, "As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." The means by which we can be kind, gentle and forgiving is stated in v.14: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

If this verse isn’t challenging enough, Jesus himself said, "If you do not forgive men their sins, our Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:15. One apostle listening to these words was a bit slow in getting the message of forgiveness. He later asked Jesus, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, by seventy-seven times" (or seventy times seven times). Matthew 18:21-22.

These verses provide some very direct, sharp teaching about forgiving people who have hurt us and thus people at whome we are angry. Forgive, Jesus said, and don’t even keep track of the number of times you do it. Forgive, Paul said, because God has given you the love required to do it."

I believe that. But I still believe that forgiveness is not always automatic or easy. If it was, the Bible wouldn’t say so much about how and why we must forgive. If forgiveness was automatic or easy we would just do it.

I think forgiveness is a process, a process that sometimes takes months, even years, if the offense against us is serious enough. If you have been slandered, abused, violently mistreated, forgiveness may be a long, long process. If a family member has been violently mistreated, forgiveness may be a life-long process. That is ok, so long as you keep working at it.

The first step in the process of forgiveness is feeling hurt. If you have been badly mistreated and are hurt, admit that hurt. Stuffing the feeling or ignoring it will not help you or the situation. Stuffed feelings are still there, pressed deeply into the heart and psyche, breeding ugly thoughts and revenge. Instead, honestly and openly admit, "I have been hurt." Your emotions may swing from just wanting to forget it to feeling numb to crying. That’s ok, own those feelings.

The second step is anger, even hate, if the offense is serious enough. During this phase we may feel anger, rage, and even a hunger for revenge. We may want to retaliate and hurt the person who hurt us with as much or more severity. We all know what the Bible says about hate. It says, "Don’t do it!" We know it is wrong to hate, so when we feel hate we tend to deny it. Don’t. Again, if we are feeling this emotion the proper response is not to stuff it deep inside, where it will smolder and erupt violently later on. The thing to do is diffuse it through acknowledging the presence of hate and confessing it.

After confessing our hate and hatred we can move on to the third step in the process of forgiving: healing. Healing means we have worked through the hurt and hate and we experience a lessening of the negative emotions. We can actually begin to pray for the one who hurt us. We can move from wishing him harm to wishing well for him.

Finally, we can begin again. Beginning again means we can enter into and enjoy relationship again. In many cases it means we can function again with the one who offended us. It means we can look objectively at the conflict situation and even take responsibility for our part in it. Beginning again is very, very refreshing. (Note: The above 4 points are from Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve").

How can we possibly work through the pain of hurt and hate to healing and beginning again? I’ll repeat Colossians 3:14: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." God has blessed us with a loving and compassionate spirit. This is our power and ability to forgive.

John Patton has written: "Human forgiveness is not an act but a discovery that I am more like those who have hurt me than different from them; that I am capable of also hurting others very deeply. I am able to forgive when I discover that I am in no position to forgive ... at its heart is the recognition of my reception into the community of sinners - those affirmed by God as his children." ("Is Human Forgiveness Possible?", p.16).

This is a humbling statement: I am like those who hurt me. Haven’t I hurt others? Sure. I am part of a community of sinners. Can I claim to be without sin? No. I need to forgive others for the simple reason that I need others to forgive me.

How do we know when we have successfully navigated the steps of hurt, hate, healing and beginning again? One writer answered this by saying, "You know when you have forgiven when you can wish the other person well." (Managing the Congregation, p.372).

I am thankful to God for the forgiveness we have received from him. Rom. 6:8. I am also thankful that he has given us the means by which we can forgive others: his love.

Warren Baldwin
September 7, 2008

Washing Feet

"NOW THAT I HAVE WASHED YOUR FEET ..."
John 13:12-17; 1 Peter 4:7-11

Friends enjoy doing favors for each other. Friends don’t do favors just to have favors done in return. But, they do know that they will receive favors - because friends do return kind deeds. But with friends, there is never a sense of manipulation. You know what I mean by manipulation, don’t you? A manipulator is someone who does you a favor when it is convenient for them and then, in a short time, calls you back and says, "Remember when I did you that favor? Well, now I need you to return it." After a while people quit accepting that person’s favors, because they always come with a price tag.

Jesus just did a favor for his disciples in John 13. Thirteen hungry men with dirty feet are gathered for a meal. Jesus does the service of taking a towel and basin of water and getting on his hands and knees to wash their feet. He humbles himself to serve them. He does them a favor.

What is the next step? If he is like some people he would say, "Hey guys, remember the favor I did for you? Well, now I want you to do me a favor." But Jesus doesn’t resort to manipulation. He does make a demand: he does place a heavy burden of the Gospel upon them. But it is not manipulation. V.12b-16: "Do you understand what I have done for you? Now that I ... have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you." Jesus doesn’t look for any favors to be done for him. His whole focus is ... "I have served you. Now you serve others."

This is a nice saying. Whenever the story of the washing of feet is recited, this part of the story is read. "I did you a good deed, now you do others a good deed." But this is not nice saying. If we think this is nice, we don’t understand it. There is nothing pleasant about it. This is a challenge. A challenge that if we understand and accept, will push us farther than we would ever care to go on our own in ministering to other people.

"I have set you AN example ..." Jesus said. "This is ONE example of my service to others," Jesus said. And his example of service to others continues later in this story. Jesus serves until it kills him. This is not an example of doing each other nice little favors. This is a story about dying for each other. "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."

Remember about 20 years ago the plane that crashed landing in Washington D.C.? It was riding low and landed in the water, so not all of the passengers died on impact. It was winter time, and a number of passengers could be seen floating in the icy waters. One man couldn’t be content with just watching from the bank and waiting for boats. He jumped into the water, grabbed people, and swam to the shore with them. He managed to save the lives of several people. Finally, when he came to the bank with the last person, he sank under the water. Exhaustion and cold overtook him. He sank. He drowned. He saved the lives of several people, but he died himself. He lost his own life. "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."

Remember almost 8 years ago when planes crashed into the World Trade Towers? While thousands of people were rushing out of the buildings, policemen and firefighters were rushing in. They were going in to save lives. They were going to serve the needs of the people who were trapped inside. Then a horrible thing happened ... the buildings collapsed. Many of the people trapped inside and killed were ... policemen and firefighters who went inside voluntarily. They saved the lives of other people. They served people they didn’t even know. But they died themselves.

Most of us will NEVER be called upon to jump into icy waters and pull people out of the water. Most of us will NEVER be called upon to rush into burning buildings and pull people out of the fire. But all of us are still called to wash feet. To give of ourselves. To serve others. "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."

Warren Baldwin

East From West

East From West

"As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:11,12.

This verse is cooling for someone sweating under the intense heat of sin, it is freeing for someone struggling under the oppressive weight of guilt, and it is refreshing, like a gust of cool air, for someone suffocating from shame and embarrassment.

How far is the east from the west? Well, that can’t be calculated. The distance is impossible to measure. Not only is the east far from the west, it runs in a different direction, meaning the two can never meet. "East is east and west is west, and never the twain shall meet."

That means that when God removes our sin, it is so far away from us it can never entangle and ensnare us again. It is gone and traveling in an opposite direction from us. Never shall we meet that sin again.

Of course, we may, and likely will, sin again. That is why we keep a penitent heart. That is why we keep crying out, "Lord, forgive me (us)." In his kindness God keeps forgiving! "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." (103:10). In his grace he removes our sin as far away from us as the east is from the west.

There is another angle to this verse. In the original language of the Old Testament the word for "from us" also means "from himself." (Holladay, Psalms Through 3,000 Years, p.325). So, not only does God remove our sin "from us," he also removes it from himself. Our forgiven sin is as far from God as the east is distanced from the west. Our forgiven sin is completely and irrevocably removed from God’s presence. Do you realize how powerful that reality is?

Personal shame is a constant companion to many of us. Shame is the realization that deep down inside ourselves we are much more sinful, evil and despicable than the image we cast to the world outside ourselves. Shame is what causes us to turn our head and avoid eye contact. It is what makes us cry in private rather than share our sin and pain with someone else lest they reject us. Shame is that feeling that we are dirty and will never be good enough for ourselves, others, or God. Shame is one of the most potent self-destructive secret attitudes.

There is a good reason for shame. Shame is the realization that we are sinners. It can be the motivating factor that drives us to our knees before a trusted friend to pour out our hearts. It is the driving force behind our cry for mercy before the throne of God. But once we have poured out our hearts to a brother and God, shame has served its purpose. The sin behind the shame has been sent east as we travel west. We need to send shame packing with it.

Because of shame a husband could not look his wife in the eye and beg, "I am sorry for my sin, please forgive me." He left her instead. Shame caused an abused 14 year old girl to abort her baby and begin a run of dangerous relationships for ten years. A young drug addict whose baby ate some of her drugs was driven to the brink of insanity by the shame of her irresponsibility.

I wish I could go back to all three of these people and say, "Hey, guess what! God can remove your sin. And with that, he can remove your shame. He removes it from you and he also removes it from his presence. That means God welcomes you into his presence. There is not one sin, not one bad decision, not one instance of abuse that you have suffered, that has to keep you from the loving compassion of God."

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from himself. That means we can lift our heads, look God in the eye, and say, "Thank you." It means we can live again.

Warren Baldwin

Gossip

GOSSIP

"A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much." Proverbs 20:19.

Preachers get teased about talking too much. We do talk a lot. Some of it is expected, like sermons and Bible classes. It would be unusual for a preacher to stand up on Sunday morning and say, "I’m sorry, but I have nothing to say this morning." It might be unusual, but it might also be appreciated!

But the idea in this proverb is not about talking too much; it is about talking irresponsibly. There is a difference between someone who talks incessantly, even though that can be terribly annoying and unnerving, and someone who talks irresponsibly. The idea of talking irresponsibly is connected to the first part of the phrase about a gossip betraying a confidence. Someone who talks too much can betray a confidence, but it is not the AMOUNT of the talking taking place that is the problem in this verse. It is the intent and the irresponsibility of the talker that is in focus here: Gossip.

Gossip is a killer. Several verses in Proverbs address the problem of gossiping:
Proverbs 11:13 - "A gossip betrays a confidence ..."
Proverbs 16:28 - "A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates friends."
Proverbs 26:20 - "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down."

There is not much good that can be said about gossip. Gossip is more than annoying and unnerving: it is destructive. In Romans 1 Paul lists gossip along with sexual sins and murder as evidence of God’s wrath being revealed against us. In 2 Corinthians 12:20 Paul lists gossip as one of the sins that he fears will disrupt the church.

God’s teachers (Solomon and Paul) were both concerned about building healthy communities. They wanted families and churches to live together in openness, honesty and love. They wanted people to live together in mutual respect and concern for the other.

Gossip undermines all of these healthy, constructive attitudes. Gossip is the opposite of openness and honesty. Gossip is conducted in quiet and in secret, hidden from the view of others. It’s message is whispered and cherished as "choice morsels" (Proverbs 18:8).

Gossip is the opposite of love and respect: you can not love and respect the person you are vilifying with malicious secrets. Nor do you really love the person you are passing on the delectable morsels to, since you are drawing them into your sin with you. Friends don’t do that to friends. "A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks irresponsibly."

Both Solomon and Paul prefer words that are constructive: words that encourage, promote healthy community relations, and build character in others. For example, in Proverbs 10:21 Solomon writes, "The lips of the righteous nourish many ..." The word for "nourish" in Hebrew is "to shepherd." So, the words of the righteous man "provides the nutrition necessary for the development of godly character." (Dave Bland, Proverbs, 116). "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

A gossip talks irresponsibly and destructively. He shatters community, whether in a family, church, or other social setting. But a wise man talks encouragingly and constructively. He talks responsibly. A wise man nourishes the hearts and minds of others. He builds community in human relations. He benefits those who listen by providing nourishment for the development of their godly character. The gossip or the wise man ... which one do you think is blessed by God?

Warren Baldwin

(From the forthcoming book, "Roaring Lions, Cracking Rocks, and other Gems from Proverbs)

Honest Testimony

HONEST TESTIMONY
Proverbs 12:17

"A truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies." Proverbs 12:17

I think I would enjoy being a forensic scientist for the FBI. I watch some of the police shows on tv and read stories about police investigations. It amazes me how a police scientist can take a hair found on a shirt, run tests on it, and use it to match the DNA of a suspect in a crime. Police can take a sample from the tiniest speck of blood on a kitchen floor, run tests, compare it to blood on a shirt found in a garbage can five miles away, and match it to a crime committed in that kitchen. What really gets me is how DNA tests can be run 20 years after a crime is committed, exonerating or confirming someone’s guilt.

Today we have incredible scientific and technological means of proving guilt or innocence in a crime. Finger prints, saliva, blood, hair and threads of clothing can convict you of what you thought was a perfect crime. If you walk across a floor, you are leaving evidence of where you were days before. All of that can be used against you in a court of law. It’s almost spooky.

People are known to lie in court. They lie hoping that they won’t get in trouble. "I wasn’t in that store." "I’ve never seen that person." "That’s not my knife." All of these can be lies. How can you prove if they are indeed telling the truth or if they are lying?

In ancient times you needed two things to make a case in court. One, you needed people to tell the truth, whether defendants or witnesses. Secondly, you needed evidence. Gathering evidence though, was not quite as sophisticated as today.

In ancient times if you stole a person’s cow, the owner and court officials could find the animal in your field. That was evidence. If you injured a neighbor’s servant, they just had to watch him limp, or see him lying on the ground, and that was evidence. But they didn’t have the sophisticated means of matching blood types, analyzing hair samples and comparing strands of cloth. There were no microscopes, chemicals or computer imaging to compare things at the microscopic level. Evidence was simple and basic.

Ancient courts had to rely upon the integrity of the one testifying. Everything hinged on a person telling the truth.

Punishment for Lying

Two things were done to try to ensure truth-telling by defendants, accusers and witnesses. One, people were threatened with severe punishment if they lied.

"If a malicious witness takes the stand to accuse a man of a crime, the two men involved in the dispute must stand in the presence of the Lord before the priests and the judges who are in office at the time. The judges must make a thorough investigation, and if the witness proves to be a liar, giving false testimony against his brother, then do to him as he intended to do to his brother. You must purge the evil from among you. Then the rest of the people will hear of this and be afraid, and never again will such an evil thing be done among you. Show no pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot." (Deut. 19:16-21).

If you accused another man of a capital crime, such as rape or murder, you had better be sure your charge was correct! If you lied in court to get another man in trouble, and your lie was uncovered, you would be sentenced to the very punishment the man you accused would have suffered if he was found guilty. In the case of a rape or murder charge, you would be put to death. This might sound severe to our sensibilities, but it was one of the few ways God had of instilling a sense of honor in people. If they acted with dishonor and treachery, they were to be severely punished. If this happened a few times, God hoped the news of it would spread through out Israel and the people would be afraid to lie. God called lying in court and "evil thing" that he did not want to have happen among his people.

But threatening people with punishment is not enough of a deterrent to crime and treachery. People will still lie, but they will just be more careful with it. For example, When Jezebel wanted to steal Naboth’s land from him, she set-up a couple of scoundrels to tell lies against him. Naboth was found guilty in court and was executed. Really, since he was an innocent man, his death was a murder. The lying scoundrels should have been executed, as should Jezebel herself, the first lady of Israel! But, she was one of the highest leaders in the land and she was involved in the crime. She certainly protected the lives of the scoundrels from exposure. She may have even bribed the judge in the case.

The threat for lying and criminal behavior has some teeth to it, but not enough. It doesn’t stop people. It can only work if the leaders of court and government are honest themselves. If they are liars and criminals, then the system breaks down and the lawless prevail. That is why God relied on one other means of people telling the truth: character development.

Truthful Hearts

Proverbs says a "truthful witness gives honest testimony." The key to honest testimony is not threats of punishment, but a truthful witness. A truthful witness is an honest person.

Proverbs 12:20 says, "There is deceit in the hearts of those who plot evil, but joy for those who promote peace." Those who lie with their mouths have a spirit of lying within them. They have deceit, mischief and evil in their hearts. That is why they lie. That is why Jezebel and the scoundrels lied about the innocent man, Naboth. They were evil people. They intended to steal another man’s property. In order to do that they had to destroy Naboth’s reputation and have him murdered. Lying was a tool in their arsenal to accomplish their wicked ends. The lies and evil that came from their mouths were but an extension of the lying and evil in their hearts.

This spirit of lying can be implanted in our hearts at a very early age. We once owned a home that had a sliding glass door that opened into the backyard. One day a neighborhood child came to the backyard, slid the door open and walked in. She came to play with my kids. "Close the door, please," I said to her.

"I didn’t open it," she replied.

I had two problems with her answer, both of which I explained to her. "You did open the door. I sat here and watched you. Also, even if you didn’t open the door, you walked through it. So, please close it."

"But I didn’t open the door."

"Yes you did! I saw you! Now close the door, please!"

"But I didn’t open it."

"Just close the door!"

Two things exasperated me about this brief conversation. One, the little girl refused to do what she was asked to do, something as simple as closing the door she walked through. But, my real concern was that at such a young age, about ten years old, she was already wired to lie. When she was asked a question her immediate response was to deceive, even when there was nothing to gain from it. Other experiences with this young girl confirmed that she would regularly lie even when she didn’t have to. There was nothing at stake to make her feel that lying would benefit her in some way. She wasn’t in trouble for opening the door, so why lie about it? Then, why repeat the lie and stubbornly refuse to close the door? Unfortunately, a spirit of deception can dominate our hearts even at a very young age. "A truthful witness does not deceive, but a false witness pours out lies" (Proverbs 14:5). It was chilling how natural it seemed for this young girl to "pour out lies." I don’t know if she had any awareness of the treachery of her heart and speech. This is the spirit of deception that God wants to prevent in the hearts of people. He wants truthful hearts.

A Truthful Witness

A truthful witness is the opposite of a lying witness. Instead of evil and corruption inside, truthful people have honesty, truth and integrity. They tell the truth because a spirit of truth permeates their heart and life. They don’t have to wonder, "Should I tell the truth about this?" because the truth pours out naturally.

The greatest assurance that an ancient witness, or modern one, will tell the truth is that they have an honest character. To this end God tried to teach the Israelites to be people of integrity. In Exodus 23:2-3 he said, "Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. When you give testimony in a lawsuit, do not pervert justice by siding with the crowd, and do not show favoritism to a poor man in his lawsuit." God showed two concerns here about the integrity of testimony in court. One, don’t be swayed by what most people are saying or thinking. Even if what you have to say does not "square" with the crowd’s perception, you speak what you know to be the truth anyway. Secondly, don’t show favoritism. Other verses in scripture warn against siding with the rich against the poor in court (Exodus 23:6). The rich are able to afford bribes to the judges and witnesses, (Exodus 23:8), thus perverting justice. "A bribe blinds those who see and twists the words of the righteous." Judges and witnesses are particularly susceptible to this sin. But God also gives this warning that we shouldn’t allow our sympathies for some one who is poor to cloud our judgment. It is possible that the poor man is the guilty man. Pay attention to truth, not to sympathies or money payments!

God hopes that a spirit of truth will root in his people’s hearts. He has given warnings that liars are to be severely punished. But even then, a crooked judge or leader might be in collusion with a lying witness, thus perverting justice. God’s real concern is that his people will refrain from lying because they have honest hearts and the truth pours naturally from them. A man’s only real hope in court is that the judges and witnesses are people of God.

The Bigger Issue

While these verses in Proverbs and other texts of the Bible are primarily about telling the truth in court, the bigger issue is that God wants us to be people of truth and integrity at all times and in all situations. God is a God of truth, he cannot lie (Hebrews 6:18). As followers of God we are in pursuit of his holiness (1 Peter 1:16). The purity of heart that characterizes God is the goal we aspire to.

God wants us to be people of integrity. "The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity" (Proverbs 11:3) and "Righteousness guards the man of integrity, but wickedness overthrows the sinner" (Proverbs 13:6) both address the heart of the righteous person.

The word "integrity" in these verses means there is a wholeness in a man’s life: his outer profession matches his inner conviction. Stated in another way, the way he speaks and acts is an accurate reflection of the character within him.

When I was in college I worked for a sales company during the summer. In one city where I spent a few weeks I worshiped with the local congregation and got acquainted with some of the members. During my days working in the community I had numerous people ask me about a particular man who was a leader in the church I was visiting. "I know he is an important man at your church, but he is a very cruel and dishonest businessman. His main concern is to make money, not promote Christ."

I realized that what some of these people were saying about this man may have been untrue. But in the many years since then I have known some brothers in Christ who could put on the "religious ritz" on Sunday, but during the week you would never believe they claimed to be Christians. Some were dishonest in business, some were abusive of their wives and children, some were cruel and heartless employers. Then, when it was Sunday, they were back at church again as if everything in their lives were fine!

We are all turned off by this kind of flagrant rejection of God’s call upon us to live good and moral lives. Some are tempted to drop out of church because of people like this. Please don’t. If this kind of behavior bothers you, think how much it grieves God!

God is the one who calls for us to live lives of integrity. He wants "wholeness" in the conviction of our hearts and the performance of our lives. It grieves God more than we can imagine when we allow a spirit of deception, greed, meanness or envy to arrest our hearts and commandeer our lives. God wants his spirit to lead and guide us.

A man who is upright is a man of integrity, and this quality shows itself in two ways in his life. One, he always tells the truth, whether it is in court, in business, with his wife and kids, or in casual conversation with a stranger. He is rarely even tempted to lie, because it is not in his heart to. Everything this man says can be believed, because he consistently, over time, proves his honesty.

Secondly, he is always honest in his personal dealings with other people. "Honest scales and balances are from the Lord; all the weights in the bag are of his making (Proverbs 16:11; cf. Deuteronomy 25:15). One way to cheat people in ancient times was to buy and sell farm produce, such as tomatoes, with different scales. When a farmer brought a bag of tomatoes in to sell to a merchant, a dishonest merchant would use a scale that would cheat the farmer. Ten pounds of vegetables would only register as eight pounds. Then, the merchant would put that scale away and use another one to sell to customers. If a customer wanted to buy ten pounds of tomatoes, the merchant would use a scale that would register eight pounds as ten. The merchant just stole four pounds worth of produce.

A man of integrity will never cheat anyone in business, even if he can get by with it. He won’t cheat because it is not in his heart to do so. In fact, a man of integrity might even give extra product to the customer, just to make sure he isn’t cheating him.

I heard a Christian man say that he will never try to talk a man down on a price he has asked for a product. He said, "That businessman needs to make a living. If he is cheating me, God is a witness to that, so I don’t have to worry about it. But, if he is a Christian, and he is trying to give me the best possible deal, and I try to reduce him even more, I might deprive him of a profit he needs to make to feed his family. I won’t do that. If I want the product I will pay the price that is listed without trying to talk him down."

That is an honest man. He conducts himself with such honor and integrity that he expects everyone else to do the same. And, even if they don’t, he will still conduct himself in that manner.

God wants honesty and integrity in our speech and conduct. The emphasis God puts on honest testimony in court is but one aspect of the honesty God wants to permeate all of our speech and actions. Honest hearts will lead to honest speech and honest business practices.

Jesus Said ...

"Simply let your ‘Yes’ be "Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one" (Matthew 5:37).

Jesus made this comment after telling his followers that they don’t have to resort to oath-taking to confirm the accuracy of their statements. Some Jews would swear by heaven, some by the earth, some by Jerusalem. Some Jews even went so far as to make some oaths non-binding (swearing by the temple) and other oaths binding (swearing by the gold in the temple; Matthew 23:16-22). Presumably this was so that they could deceive newcomers to Jerusalem in business deals and still have a clear conscience! A Christian, a person of integrity, can simply speak the truth because it emanates from a heart of integrity.

Ironically, Jesus, who taught his followers to tell the truth and who demonstrated perfect truth in his very being (John 14:6) was a victim of lies and deception. The chief priests and elders of Israel "plotted to arrest Jesus in some sly way and kill him" (Matthew 26:4). Numerous false witnesses testified against Jesus, but their lies weren’t coordinated (Mark 14:56). Finally, the chief priests were able to use testimony about Jesus destroying the temple and rebuilding it against him, but they had to misinterpret him to do it (Mark 14:57-64). Lying witnesses and judges conspired to ramrod a deceptive process and kill the Son of God. But Jesus never wavered from truth and integrity. He continues to be our example of telling the truth, even if it kills us, literally.

Questions

1) Have you ever been hurt by lies?
2) Have you ever told lies that hurt someone else?
3) How does lying hurt your example for Christ with people who know you are a Christian?
4) How might telling the truth enhance your example for Christ?

Rude Neighbors ... Character Development

RUDE NEIGHBORS, QUARRELSOME SPOUSES
AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN PROVERBS 27:14-19

Introduction

The goal of Proverbs is clearly stated in Proverbs 1:2-3: "for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair." These last three words are ethical terms and shape a person to be able to live in wholeness with God and others. Wisdom, understanding and discretion all highlight necessary components in a person’s moral and ethical system to enable them to exercise skill in matters of daily living, navigating the problems of life (including relational problems), and living successfully in relationship with other people. (Longman, Read, 14-17)

Wisdom for Israel was a practical matter of understanding the laws of life and the world. Such wisdom was gleaned from experience and would be comparable to the wisdom or expertise an artisan or craftsman would glean from their years of working their trade. Proverbs wants to shape the ethics of a person and even move beneath the behavior to shape the heart and mind.

One possible setting for Proverbs is the post-exilic period. Israel’s political and religious systems had collapsed. These normal social structures that typically shape and mold young people were now non-existent. The community was in severe social distress and even the most basic of all social systems, the family, was likely in disarray. Israel’s only hope to instill theological and ethical values in her young people was to provide basic moral instruction to rebuild individuals of character and thus rebuild the family and eventually the larger community. (Brown, Character, 43-45) If this perspective on the historical setting for the book is correct, then Proverbs seems to teach that when society is falling apart, whether from political scandals, military conquest, or moral disintegration, the godly person turns to his family and seeks to build it on sound, biblical principles of wisdom and righteousness. Hard times are not an occasion to give up in despair, but rather a time to vigorously rededicate ourselves to the most basic of all societies: the family.

Proverbs 27:14-19

The individual proverbs in chapters 10-29 have not been arranged into an orderly group by subject or content, although there are instances of individual proverbs being linked together by key words or similar subject matter. There are two reasons to consider that the passage under consideration in this paper are connected by similar subject and content matter. One, all the verses in this text are concerned with relationships between two individuals. Two, friendship is a dominate theme throughout all of chapter 27. Verses 5, 6, 9, 10, 14, and 17 all testify to the value of friendship, and friendship is a key theme in verses 14-19." Further, in verses 14-19 two relationships are pictured that would be identified today as dysfunctional. They describe tension between friends (v.14) and between spouses (vss.15-16). Following the discussion of these destructive relationships there is a follow-up discussion of constructive interaction. (Bland, Leaven, 70)

In Proverbs the center of focus for developing wisdom and character is not in personal or private activity. The book does not discount personal experiences of prayer, observation or mediation and their value in shaping one’s ethic or spiritual development. The primary focus of Proverbs in shaping character, though, is in the midst of human activity. Consider Proverbs 1:20-21 where Woman Wisdom calls aloud in the street, raises her voice in the public squares, cries out in the noisy streets and makes her speech in the gateways of the city. Wisdom has a very visible presence and is active in the public arena. "Wisdom finds herself in a city teeming and bustling with the traffic of human life." (Bland, Leaven, 70)

Activity between people is important in Proverbs because through such interaction people receive insight and wise counsel from others. Some may spurn the wise counsel and in doing so choose the path of folly. Fools spurn human interaction, preferring self-evaluation. Consequently, they do not benefit from the wisdom and insight of others and their lives become burdensome and chaotic to everyone around them.

Such unpleasant interaction between people is described in Proverbs 27:14-19. Two different relationships are discussed in these verses, that of friends and spouses. Both relationships are chaotic and tension filled. Yet, within that tension lies the possibility that the participants may experience a transformation of their spirit and character.

"If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." Proverbs 27:14.

The Hebrew word for "neighbor" also means friend. It is used in Leviticus 19:13 ("Do not defraud you neighbor or rob him") and 19:18 ("Love your neighbor as yourself"). Both of these occurrences of neighbor are used in a broad sense, indicating anyone an Israelite would have contact with. But, neighbor was also used in reference to people living in close proximity to each other. Exodus 22:10 discusses the legal issues involved in the injury or theft of farm animals entrusted to the care of a neighbor. It is reasonable to assume that the care of these animals would be given to someone living close by. Proverbs 3:28 describes a situation of neighbors borrowing and sharing personal possessions, something likely to occur among people living in close proximity.

To be a friend or neighbor entails certain responsibilities. Our relationships with neighbors should never be damaging or harmful. Proverbs 3:29 admonishes, "Do not plot harm against your neighbor who lives trustfully near you." Those who do harm their neighbor are considered godless (Prov. 11:9) and perverse (Prov. 16:28-29). Instead of bringing harm to his neighbor, the godly man should be caring and thoughtful of all around him. Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend (or neighbor) loves at all times."

"Friend" or "neighbor" has been a key term in this section. In 27:9 genuine friendship is compared to the sweetness of perfume and incense. Verse 10 admonishes the honoring of friendships, even those of one’s father, and the blessedness of having a friend or neighbor nearby when tragedy strikes. Both of these verses emphasize the sweetness and blessedness of sincere friendships where everyone is thoughtful of each other. Such relationships are mutually beneficial to all the parties.

But 27:14 introduces a new dynamic: insincerity in relationships. In this verse a man blesses his neighbor or friend, but the neighbor does not regard it as a blessing. Instead, he feels the weight of a curse.

Two features of the blessing indicate it is insincere and masks underlying attitudes and intents that are malevolent. One, the blessing is loud. The Hebrew word means "loudness in sound, being old in years, great in importance." (TWOT, 1:151) In 1 Kings 8:55 "loud" is used in reference to Solomon standing before the entire congregation and speaking loudly enough for all to hear him. As the king Solomon was great in importance and speaking before a large crowd would necessitate his speaking boldly and with great volume. The use of this word in reference to greeting a neighbor would indicate this was not a typical expression of "good morning," but was unusually boisterous for a greeting between neighbors and likely had a pompous flair.

Another feature of the blessing is that it was early in the morning when the neighbor was possibly still at rest or preparing for the day. The greeter "aims to make the impression that he has a deep veneration for his neighbor ... (but) his unnatural voice and timing betray him as a hypocrite." (Waltke, 382) The greeter has less concern for the welfare of his neighbor than he does for his own convenience. He is actually abusive, inconsiderate and rude, so his insincere greeting is taken as a curse.

"A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day." Proverbs 27:15

The deception of the man against his neighbor and the other a wife against her husband connect verses 14 & 15. Both the rude man and the wife are damaging to their relationships. The neighbor and husband had a right to expect blessing and considerate care, but in both cases he was deceived and received rude treatment.

Proverbs 27:15 is only one of several verses that address the challenge of a disruptive wife. Proverbs 21:9 says, ""Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." A quarrelsome personality emanates from a disturbed spirit and spreads that disruption to everyone within reach. The quarrelsome personality tends to look for faults in others and generate intense emotions through criticism and arguments. People tend to be on edge around the quarrelsome person lest they draw their ire. Discussed in the context of the quarrelsome wife in 21:9 are people who are arrogant, wicked, liars, violent, incorrigible, and devious (verses 4 though 8). The quarrelsome spirit shares equally dubious company!

The hostile relationship patterns generated by the quarrelsome person are the opposite of what Proverbs seeks to produce in people. Proverbs 1:3 desires discipline and prudence in peoples’ lives. Proverbs 5:18 envisions a home environment that is blessed for the husband and wife and for their eventual children. "May your fountain be blessed" in 5:18 can refer to the joy of physical intimacy between the husband and wife or to their children who are the fruit of their intimacy. In either case, the Sage envisions a blessed home environment of peace and joy. The hostility and disorder generated by the quarrelsome spirit is antithetical to the purpose of proverbial wisdom.

A peaceful and happy home is a blessing worthy of our best efforts: "Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife."(Prov. 17:1) Peace and quiet function as the opposite of the yelling and fighting that accompany a quarrel.

A quarrelsome spirit is not the exclusive domain of wives. Men can also demonstrate such an unholy spirit: "As charcoal is to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife". (Prov. 26:21) This statement about the quarrelsome man is but one of a litany of examples of sinful and wicked attitudes that destroy individuals, families, and larger communities. Chapter 26 describes the problems of fools who repeat their folly, the lazy, busy-bodies who meddle in the arguments of others, deceivers, gossips, the smooth speech of those with evil intent, and liars. All of these behaviors are destructive of relationships. The behaviors described in chapter 26 betray a variety of attitudes, including selfishness, greed, hate and (verbal) violence. The quarrelsome spirit is one of these ungodly and unholy attitudes and behaviors.

The quarrelsome spirit is more than just annoying; it is destructive. The wise woman of Proverbs builds a home that is safe and warm for her family. Love and cooperation grow in such an environment (cf. Proverbs 14:1 and 31:10-31). The wise woman’s work is constructive; it produces healthy and godly relationships. The contentious woman’s work is destructive. Her husband "takes shelter under the roof of his home expecting to find protection from the storm. Instead, he finds that his leaky roof provides him no shelter from the torrential downpour." (Waltke, 383) It is his own wife, in fact, who produces this downpour! Instead of his own home and spouse providing him relief and safety from the rudeness of the world, the husband is subjected to a further barrage of verbal assault and humiliation.

"Restraining her is like restraining the wind." Proverbs 27:16

The metaphor of the constant dripping of water in a house "highlights just how annoying and depressing a contentious wife can be." (Longman, Proverbs, 480) Two images are used to emphasize the difficulty of the task. One is the weather. In v.15 the contentious wife was like a drippy roof that failed to offer appropriate protection from the outside elements. In v.16 the storm comes right into the house. Restraining the argumentative wife is like restraining the wind.

While wind (rfah) can be a light breeze, in this context it is to be understood as a destructive gale, as in 1 Kings 19:11. "Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind." Just as the Lord was not in the wind that assailed Elijah on the mountain, neither is he in the wind that assaults the husband in his home.

The second metaphor is oil. Oil has many positive connotations in the Bible. It is used to honor and designate the one God has chosen as the king. It is used as a healing agent for the ill. Perfumed oil is pleasant and is used in romantic settings. But the slick and smooth properties of oil also make it difficult to control, an image this metaphor draws upon. Oil cannot be grasped by the hand, and a man’s attempt to do so is as effective as his attempts to soothe, placate or control his angry and disturbed wife.

"Hand" refers to the protection of the husband. Frequently the Old Testament speaks of God’s right hand of protection. Psalm 37 says, "If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand" (vss.23-24). Similarly, the husband’s hand offers the position of protection and honor. As God protects his people, a godly husband protects his wife and family.

Both images, that of wind and oil, combine to describe a terribly sad condition in the home of the disputatious wife. The home should be a place of security and peace. The husband’s right hand, like that of God’s, should offer protection and care to all that live within the home. But the spirit of the fault-finding and contentious wife unleashes a storm that not even the strong hand of the husband can control. Instead of his hand providing peace, it becomes an ironic image of a man futilely seeking to restrain wind and grasp oil. It can’t be done. He cannot successfully halt the storm his dissatisfied wife unleashes in the home.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

A more literal rendering of this verse is, "Iron is sharpened with iron, and a person sharpens the face of his friend." (Waltke, 383-4) Face here implies the deeper qualities of a person, such as the feelings, attitudes and emotions.

Two "irons" are mentioned in this verse. One iron is the knife or sword and the second iron is the sharpening iron that hones them. The hardness of this sharpening iron is a metaphor in part two of the verse: "a person sharpens the face of his friend." "Face" is used in reference to the edge of a knife or blade (Ecclesiastes 10:10). Used of a man in part b of this verse "sharpens" refers not literally to the friend’s face or facial expressions, but to his personality and character that is reflected by those expressions.

The pressure of iron rubbing against iron is an abrasive action that creates friction. Through this friction the hardness of the one material wears and shapes the other. The knife or sword is worn and sharpened by the harder iron, making it more useful and effective as a tool. In the same way, "the friend/neighbor plays a primary role in the demanding process. This can be wearisome for the friend, making friendship less than an idyllic relationship." (Bland, Proverbs, 248)

The hardness of the iron images the hardness of a caring friend’s persistence. As a result of his untiring devotion to a relationship, the "hard" man (that is, the man with a firmly shaped and honed character) is able to sharpen his friend. This sharpening may occur through offering encouragement and instruction in wisdom, but can also come through offering rebuke.

"He who tends a fig tree will eat its fruit, and he who looks after his master will be honored." Proverbs 27:18

The wise take care of and honor those who employ them. "Fruit" is a metaphor for the consequences of one’s behavior. Those who tend (take care, honor, etc.) the fruit tree will enjoy the results of their activity; they will get to enjoy the fruit. Similarly, those who tend to the needs or expectations of their master will enjoy the fruit of honor.
The Hebrew word for tend means to "watch, guard, keep." (TWOT, 2:594-5) In addition to being used of watching and keeping fruit trees, this word is also used in Proverbs in an ethical sense of guarding the mouth (13:3), path in life (16:17) and heart (4:23). It is also used in Psalms of guarding the tongue (34:14). An important occurrence of this word is Isaiah 49:6 where God says he will "bring back those of Israel I have kept." Keeping Israel meant God provided oversight and protective care.

The Hebrew word for "looks after" means to "keep, guard, observe, give heed," and the basic idea of the word is "to exercise great care over." (TWOT, 2:939-40) Various applications of the word are to give careful attention to observing the obligations of laws and covenants and to take care of gardens, flocks and houses. It can also be used in the sense of giving heed to matters of personal discipline. For example, Proverbs 13:3 says, "He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin." For failure to guard one’s speech could ruin one’s life.

Waltke identifies numerous truths in the metaphors of the fig tree and the diligent servant. One, the fig tree was one of the most highly prized trees in Israel and was given great care. This is the mindset a faithful servant should have toward his master. Two, to protect meant to be "careful, precise and vigilant." Three, protecting and guarding is not an occasional disposition of the farmer or servant, but one of constant devotion. Four, just as it takes years of gentle planting and care of fig trees to enjoy its succulent fruit, it may take years of devoted service to earn the honor of a master. Five, as the fruit of the fig is sweet and refreshing, so is the honor received from a master. Six, the rewards are enduring. A healthy fig tree will continue to bear fruit for years, and a pleased master will bestow his favor upon a trustworthy servant for the duration of their relationship. (Waltke, 385)

Each of these truths suggested by Waltke have bearing upon the interpretation and understanding of the rude neighbor and the argumentative wife. Although the proverbs of 10:21 to 29:27 are generally regarded as randomly placed and unrelated to each other, this is not true of all of them. The irritating (even destructive) behavior described in verse 14 and vss. 15-16 make an obvious connection between them. These latter verses deal with the theme of friction (in relationships), patience, endurance, change and ultimate reward. Verses 17-19 describe how the offended neighbor and the verbally abused husband are to respond to the affronts paid to them.

Just as the farmer is to tend the fig tree with diligence and the servant heed the will of his master, so is the offended neighbor and husband to give devoted attention to the needs of the friend and wife. They may have to provide care and attention for years before they get to enjoy the delicious fruit of the relationships (mutual respect for the neighbors; peace and intimacy for the spouses), but such a positive outcome can only happen if they exercise diligent care, service, and even rebuke.

"As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man." Proverbs 27:19

The Hebrew word for "reflects" means to "answer." Water "answers" the person who peers into it, meaning the water is functioning like a mirror and is reflecting the viewer’s impression.
The Hebrew word for heart is l‘b, and refers to the heart, understanding, mind, and intellect. This word is used in such idioms as "to set the heart upon," "to think about" or "to want." While concretely it can refer to the actual physical organ in the body, metaphorically it refers to the inner nature of man. In biblical literature it is the most frequently used term for man’s immaterial personality functions, such as the emotion, thought, or will. Heart can often be translated as "mind" or "understanding." (TWOT, 1:466-7)

Part a of this verse is a metaphor leading to the real meaning to be found in part b. According to Waltke the reflection of one’s face in the water has two possibilities. One, a man may look into his own heart and examine its content. "One can gain an insight into his heart - his thoughts, feelings, and aspirations - by observing his actual behavior." Secondly, a man can see himself reflected in the response of other people to his attitudes, speech and behavior. In the reflection a man receives from others he can learn their evaluation of his character. From the affirmations and criticisms of others about his character, a man can be honed and sharpened. (Waltke, 386)

A number of proverbs discuss the heart’s capacity to reveal the inner content of a man. The heart can reveal a man’s foolishness: "The heart of fools blurts out folly." (Prov. 12:23) It can also reveal wisdom: "A wise man’s heart guides his mouth and his lips promote instruction." (Prov. 16:23) The ability of reflection, either from inward inspection or peer evaluation, to expose the substance of a man’s inner thoughts and attitudes means "the heart tells the story of the person. The heart is a general reference to one’s character. Thus character defines who and what a person is." (Longman, Proverbs, 481)

An issue to question further is, whose heart is being looked into? It could be that a man is looking into his own heart, taking an inventory of his thoughts and character. "Through introspection a person comes to a better understanding of the self." A second idea is that a man is looking into the heart of another person and seeing himself reflected in the responses of that man to himself. "Through interaction a person comes to a better understanding of the self." (Bland, Proverbs, 249)

The ambiguity of this verse is important for establishing the reciprocity of relationship. The reciprocity in relationship is another fiber connecting verse 19 to verses 14-16. In the encounter of the rude man with his sleeping neighbor and the quarrelsome wife with her husband, the contents of hearts are revealed. The loud man reveals insensitivity and lack of concern; the quarrelsome wife reveals unresolved issues of hurt and anger. In both cases the inconsiderate neighbor and abusive wife, if they take the time and energy to look, can see their character traits revealed in the response of hurt and withdrawal in their counterparts. "When one engages in rigorous interaction with another, such a person discovers new insights." (Bland, Proverbs, 250)

"How is it (v.19) to be interpreted - introspection or interaction?" (Bland, Leaven, 71) I think it is interaction. Interaction between individuals, with each expressing their views, asking questions, disagreeing, and proposing alternatives, promotes better understanding and clarity of thought than mere introspection.

Conclusion

Proverbs 27:14-16 presents the case of two dysfunctional and struggling relationships. In each relationship, one of friends/neighbors and the other of husband and wife, one party in the relationship is inconsiderate and verbally abusive and the other party is the abused. How is the abused to react and respond? By doing the difficult work of relationship building. That is the point of verses 17-19. The wounded parties must tend the relationship and look to the needs of the partner. At times that might mean being kind and gentle; at other times it might require offering rebuke.

Interaction with others can be peaceful or chaotic. While it could be hoped that every encounter would be friendly and pleasant, they are not. Frequently in involvement with the lives of others rudeness, disdain and even open hostility are experienced. But, while such encounters are not pleasant, from the perspective of proverbial wisdom and character building, they are not without value, either. It may be that from some of the more distasteful and painful experiences with other people, including one’s neighbor or spouse, character growth and development takes place. (Bland, Leaven, 70)

Proverbs 27:14-19 encourages tough and rigorous relationship building. It holds out hope that living wisely and godly can have a positive effect on the undisciplined and dysfunctional lives it rubs against. But, it doesn’t promise a positive, happy outcome in each encounter. "A proverb does not give guarantees; rather, it indicates the best route to a desired end." (Longman, DOT, 545) In this case, the desired end is character development and relationship building, and the best route is through faithful and honest interaction with others, even those with difficult and trying personalities. "The wisdom enterprise is a community effort." (Longman, Proverbs, 481)

Warren Baldwin
April 2009