Ministry to Youth

MINISTRY TO YOUTH
Dan Stockstill, Ph.D., Harding University

Note: The following notes are from three sessions on youth ministry that Dr. Dan Stockstill presented at the Harding University lectures, Sept. 2010. I am presenting the notes here as I wrote them down - in a very simple, outline form. I hope they are useful. And thanks to Dan for his great class.

_____________

The challenge for teens - they don’t know how to grow up. What is adulthood? There is no definition. It is subjective. It is not discussed in detail in scripture. It is an assumption.

Many churches see the ministry of the youth minister ending at high school graduation. But, where do they go next? Many churches do not have a college ministry, and they may not feel like they fit in the adult class or programs.

When does a teen become an adult? "I am an adult when I say I am an adult." We may say they are adults when they are ready to accept the privileges and responsibilities of this life stage.

Alvin Toffler -

Historical periods -

1) Agrarian Wave - 3,000 BC to 1700 AD
The male became an adult when he could run the farm
The female became an adult when she could bear offspring and manage the home.
Adulthood was achieved when one could function as an adult.

2) Industrial Wave - 1700 AD to 1950
Adulthood - when you could get a job.

The Agrarian model was communal - running a farm contributed to the larger clan.
The Industrial model is individualistic - stand apart from others.

In the Industrial model you buy a house, but not on the farm. You have separate living arrangements. Also, there was a move from barter to money.

3) Informational Age - 1950 - 1990
Information is key.
Education now emphasized. The GI Bill gave a new perspective on what it meant to be an adult. A watershed event was mandatory high school education (1875?). In 1904 the word adolescence entered the English language.

In the Agrarian model everyone had to farm. The value was in having children, because then you had other hands to help on the farm.

The Industrial era saw the development of an upper elite. The elite had education, leisure and time to think. These privileges were for only a small percentage.

In the Information age, the longer you go to school, the longer you put off adulthood.
High school - college - graduate school.

In the Agrarian model you had to toil or perish.

4) Digital Wave 1990 -
Industrial wave - accumulate information
Informational wave - control of information
Digital wave - information is for everybody.

What does it mean to be an adult?
When they want to be.

How do we help them?
Extend family support until they can make decisions.

In our culture what defines adulthood? Independent decision making, responsibility, managing finances, relationships (how they are formed, maintained, kept)

The Generations
GI Generation
Boomer
Buster (Gen X) - in the middle
Millenials - about age 30
Digital - about 8 years

The Industrial approach no longer applies.
This model segregates and separates; divides and conquers.
When used in churches this segregates and separates by age, grade, gender, etc.
Smaller churches group a wider array of ages by necessity.

A mission - reach the ones that don’t fit.

Our definition of adulthood affects how we interact and what we expect.
Ministry that segregates creates competition.
Isolation by generation creates generational competition over resources, time and recognition.

System - when one part suffers it all suffers. It takes a village to create a community where it is safe for a child to become an adult. Loving, nurturing. This environment doesn’t exist elsewhere.

The model of youth ministry for the last 40 years has been to keep good kids, good kids. We have had activities, trips for them. The unspoken message is that kids go on mission trips, to youth rallies, etc., but adults don’t - "This is what I do as a teenager, but it is not what adults do."

Teens go on mission and fun trips. But, from about age 15 to 25 many of them become inactive. During the years 25 to 35 many become active again, but often in other religious groups. We must build intergenerational bridges.

Questions of Adolescents (but, is really true of our whole life):
1) Whom Am I?
2) What is my community?
3) What is my purpose?
When we are young we ask these questions in the security of the home.

Congregations must ask these questions of themselves, too. Must ask about our identity, community, and purpose in ministry.

Interaction - invite people to mission trips who are not part of the teen generation.
Kids want to be respected.
What do we owe the kids at church? Mark 3 - Jesus asked, "Who is my family?"

How divisive can we make our body? How do we do outreach to connect with those not in our church? What we win them with is what we win them to.

The pursuit of a youth group is not necessarily the pursuit of a youth group in Christ. If a youth group is valued only in the box - class, devotional, leading singing - it is not big enough for a kids to give their lives to. Christianity is not defined by the box.

We need to concentrate on what goes on outside the box - ministry to the world. That will make what goes on inside the box more relevant.

Who is weak? Weary? Wounded? What are we going to do about it? If we focus on the box - our own little group - that is self-serving. It promotes narcissistic values. The end result of narcissism is self loathing. They end up hating what they should love.

Images of church/worship:
1) Water station in a marathon race. Refreshing.
2) Family meal - talk about your day. But you don’t spend your whole life at the table.

Adulthood is not the certainty of a final decision, but the certainty of direction.

Are we giving teens tools to
1) Handle their questions
2) Place them in community?

The single most significant cry of teens over the last 60 years has been "I’m lonely!"

Most teens feel like an island in the sea. If they feel that way when they graduate high school, they will not be an island in the sea, but a boat in the sea, blown about. (Who knows to what they will be tossed and finally feel connected?)
Stuff today - like plastic. Not quite as good as the original stuff, like Facebook.

Three key questions of pre-adults
1) Who Am I
- Giftedness
- Becoming
- Christ’s

2) Community
- God
- Authority
- Same gender
- Opposite gender

3) Pursuit of purpose
- Mission
- Sustaining
- Equipping

How you define adulthood has a lot to do with how these questions are answered.

Be patient and persistent
Are challenging a cultural norm
Will take extended energy before change that norm.

How do we help young people become adults as God intended them to be?
Cultural norm - minor/adult. Age limit. Not always valid.
An adult who is weak or immature may need more legal protection than a minor.

The church must encourage and equip.

WHO AM I?
1) Giftedness.
The age of the individual and connection to the body may not be otherwise where we expect them to be.
Giftedness is not an arrival but a process.
Grow like Jesus. In one year, will we be more like him?
Governing question - what can I do to please him?

2) Becoming
Purity, community, sin

3) Christ’s
Be more serious in how we do church.
It is Christ, first, last, always.

COMMUNITY
1) Authority
All of our authority is reflective, none inherent.
We all answer to God.

2) Relationships
Same and opposite gender.

PURSUIT OF PURPOSE
1) Mission - pursuing what God has left us to do.

2) Sustaining - supporting those doing mission - uphold their hands.

3) Equipping - getting people ready.

Generational segregation leads to generational competition. How overcome?
1) Listen to one another’s stories, so they become our stories.
Kids should hear stories of grandparents - dating etc.
Teens would be amazed at struggles of grandparents.

Find ways for table time to be table time.
This is more important than the number of songs and efficiency of delivering.
Hurts, helps, challenges that brothers and sisters have faced, are facing, will face.
Share stories. Start with our stories.
[Blog article - Granparents - tell your stories to your grandkids]

2) Organize the learning of life skills.
Find projects to work together. Not church supporting teens doing it, but church doingit together as a group - young and old. Can be highway cleanup.
When people work together, they begin to work together.

Think about intentional bridging.
Mix and match instead of segregating.
Parents and teens open Word together.
Family devotions - can’t jump start. Equip.
Everyone in congregation has something to do. Ex. A 4 year old can pick up bulletins lying in pews.

Tom Sawyer - getting people to do job. How?
1) Make it appear it takes someone special to do it.
2) They invest themselves to make it work.
3) He projects an image they buy into.

IF WE MAKE IT A PROGRAM WE WILL DESTROY IT.

Do not be negative, be positive.
Not a public speech, but a personal connection. "I need help with this."
Thousands heard Jesus, 120 (or 12) changed the world.

Mentor. Mark 3:14. To be with him, 3:6
Try to get adults to help teens.
Get teens to help adults. Prayer.
(Tutor sewing. Make bags for single moms)
Find something for everyone. Good at counting? Count kids on a trip :)

God’s grace is without limit, his gifts are without limit.
Gifts - find someone who is good at finding people’s gifts.

Things we can do immediately
1) Integrate teen and parents of teens. Small groups.
2) "Teen explosion" - break up. Have to sit with someone you normally don’t.

3) Be willing to learn from others. "I want to learn your songs" instead of "I want you to learn my songs."

God sets the orphans and widows in family. (cf. Psalm 68:6)
Mentoring - woman-teen girl; man-teen boy
The only work is to pick a mentor. Do stuff together. Whatever the lady wants to do with the girl, or man with the boy.

On new kids who are destructive to the building - "If we let them abuse our stuff like they abused Jesus, then we are starting to live like Jesus."

Everyone is worth something and Christ paid the cost.

Dan Stockstill

Mentoring

Working from some of the suggestions by Dan, I have begun setting up mentoring relationships in our church between adults and teens. Some of the following materials and ideas are to be shared in a meeting with the mentors before they begin meeting with their mentoree. I’m still working on this, and will make changes/additions as they develop.

For mentoring program:
1) George Smythe article on respecting teens
2) Mentoring purpose statement
3) What mentoring is:
4) Mentoring form
Date _______________________
Nature of visit ___________________________
To commend ______________________________
To be concerned about _____________________________

(3 on a page)

5) Assessment form
Name of Mentor _______________________________________________
Name of Mentoree _____________________________________________
Number of visits _______________________________________________
What were some good things about your visits:

What are some things in the life of your mentoree that we need to encourage (e.g., pursuing their education, work habits, relationships, self-esteem, etc.)

Mentoring
1) All good kids. Not trying to help them overcome criminal orientation (that we know of)
2) Light-hearted, fun. Just trying to get to know them better; connect.
3) Guidelines:
A] Lunch, dessert in your home, attend sporting event together.
B] Talk. Some openers -
How was your day?
What is your favorite sport? What do you like about it?
What is your favorite subject in school? What do you like about it?
Have you thought about going to college? Where?
C] Key off of their answers for further conversation.
Tell part of your story.
If they talk about struggling in school, tell them about a struggle you had in school.
If they are heart-broken over a relationship, tell them about a dating struggle you had.

Respecting Parents

RESPECTING PARENTS

"Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old" Proverbs 23:22

It disturbs me to hear a child yell at his parents, call them names, tell them to "shut up," and even slap them. But I do see and hear these things on occasion.

Parents who tolerate this kind of disrespectful behavior from their children are not only hurting the children, they are unraveling the fabric of their family and all of society. Churches, schools, the work place and even society at large must practice respect for one another and for the leaders within these communities if they are going to function in a way that is healthy and beneficial for the members. Training for that kind of respect begins at home, and where it is taught by the parents and appropriated by the children. Children must be taught to honor mom and dad.

Why should children be respectful toward their parents? I can think of at least three reasons. One, the parents have earned it. The Sage says, "Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old" (Proverbs 23:22). This verse has a parallel structure where the second part builds on the first. Part one emphasizes listening to your father who gave you life, and part two emphasizes loving your mother when she is old. The second part builds upon the first, meaning that mom deserves respect because she, too, gave you life. You wouldn’t have a life if it wasn’t for the love of your mother and father who birthed you.

The phrase "do not despise your mother" has an interesting parallel to Genesis 25:34 where it says that "Esau despised his birthright." That doesn’t necessarily man that he hated it, but that he didn’t regard it with proper honor. Because he didn’t honor his birthright he traded it for a measly bowl of beans. What a tragic loss. The injunction to not despise our mother doesn’t mean we are showing her proper honor if we don’t hate her; it means we should not ignore her needs or treat lightly her position as the exalted matriarch of the family.

Mothers and fathers spend years investing their time, energy and love into the lives of their children. The Bible honors that great work and says the children should as well. The command to respect parents is one of the Ten Commandments (Ex. 20:12; Lev. 19:3).

Secondly, children need to honor their parents because it is right. Respect is like the concrete in a wall. Concrete is hard and firm so it can uphold the building. Remove the firmness from the concrete and the walls will collapse, crushing everyone inside the structure.
In the same way, remove respect from a child’s relationship with his parents and the walls of the family will collapse. Children will not listen to and obey their parents if they don’t respect them. If they don’t listen to their parents then their leading counsel becomes the immature reasoning of their own minds or that of their friends. It is only through giving their ears and hearts to their parents that children learn wisdom and proper behavior and can hope for a meaningful and prosperous life (Prov. 3:1-2).

Finally, children need to honor their parents because it is biblical. "Honor your father and your mother" (Ex. 20:12). God emphasizes the importance of respecting parents when he ties it to his own personality. After saying in Lev. 19:3 that "Each of you must respect his mother and father" he adds "I am the Lord your God." There shouldn’t be any doubt about how seriously God regards this command! In fact, in ancient Israel a son who showed flagrant disrespect for his parents could be stoned.

Parents, our children will not naturally or automatically show us respect. They will not show politeness in speech nor decorum in behavior unless we teach them to. Their natural inclination will be to do their own thing, disobey us, talk back, yell and scream, throw a temper tantrum, even slap us. Many parents laugh when their children do these things. Perhaps they are embarrassed when it is done in front of others. Or, the parents may even think it is cute when coming from a tiny child. "Do you see how mad he is?" and then they laugh. But I tell you, if we tolerate that behavior, we are teaching our own little kids that they do not need to respect us. We are teaching them that our ideas, our values and our rules as the parents do not matter, and they can do whatever they want to. That might mean jumping on the sofa and making a face at mom at age 4; and it might mean shoplifting, drinking, and robbing from the neighbors when they are 14. Remember the stern warning from Proverbs that "a child left to himself (that is, untrained and undisciplined) disgraces his mother" (Prov. 29:15).

Do your children an immense favor! Teach them to respect you. Respecting you means they listen to and obey you in everything. It also means they don’t talk back to you or speak in fresh tones. Further, practice corrective discipline when they disobey, even when they are very young. If they are old enough to break the rules, they are old enough to have obedience enforced.

Respect will continue to be an issue in families even as children grow up and leave home. But if we can at least build a healthy base when they are 18 months to 3 years old, it makes the teenage years a whole lot more enjoyable!

Warren Baldwin

Acting Out

ACTING OUT

Cheryl and I were driving some teenagers to an exciting youth rally. One of the girls had become like a member of our family ever since she moved to our congregation three years before at age twelve. We visited with her parents and grandparents and she was a frequent fixture in our home.

But something was different on this day as we drove to the yearly youth event. Instead of the usual laughter and pleasant talk, our friend was rude. If I asked her a question she was sarcastic and sharp with her reply.

At the motel my wife said to me, "She is being so rude I’d like to just turn around and take her home. She had no right talking to you that way."

I had to agree. Even though my feelings were a bit stung, though, I knew there was something operating beneath the surface level. This behavior and speech was so out-of-character for this girl, I knew something had to be eating at her heart and soul.

Through years of working with youth and three kids of my own, Cheryl and I have learned that children act out for several reasons. One is that acting out is fun. There is a certain thrill that comes with crossing forbidden lines.

A second reason is that young people are sinners. Why do any of us sin? Before we give ourselves to Christ we have an unregenerate nature that exerts its will and pushes us into rebellious behavior.

Thirdly, kids act out because they want attention. It is horribly chilling to feel we are all alone. Kids see others in what appear to be genuine relationships and they die to be in one themselves. If you add to this desire any estrangement with their family at home, they are doubly lonely. So, they may act out just to get recognized. In Blind Spots author Bill McCartney notes this tendency in kids who act out, and says that they "are often comforted just from the fact that their parents care enough to get angry and come back at them" (p.74). Taking the time to engage with your kid through sports, music or whatever interests them can prevent much heartache later on.

Finally, kids can act out because they are carrying a terribly heavy burden. In the case of our young friend, we learned shortly afterwards that she had an abortion just before the youth trip. The baby’s father, a church leader’s son, had gotten the girl drunk and then used her. When he found out she was pregnant he yelled at her and said, "Get rid of it! Get rid of it!" Her parents thought she was too young to have a baby, so they supported the abortion as well. Everyone seemed to want it except this sweet girl. Now, weeks after the abortion, her heart was bursting with sadness, shame and guilt. That is why she was so verbally offensive in the vehicle. She was crying out to Cheryl and me, "There is something horrible in my life that I need help with, but I can’t tell you! I’m too ashamed! Instead, I’ll act like the terrible person I feel right now, and I hope you can pick up on it. Please don’t be put off by my mean speech. Read beneath the lines and help me, please!"

It is hard for a teenager that is lonely or carrying a secret sin to make themselves vulnerable to anyone. Being vulnerable may be why they are hurting now, so why risk any further ridicule or rejection from an adult? Acting out with offensive behavior or speech seems a better option for them, since it now places the burden to act on the adult.

The Bible warns that our speech should be wholesome and our behavior thoughtful of others (Eph. 4:29-32). Improper talk and behavior must be addressed. But, remember that lurking underneath the offending words and actions may be something more than a mischievous or sinful heart. There may also be a heart that is lonely and broken, one crying out for healthy attention from a concerned adult.

If a teen has singled you out for some uncharacteristically sharp words, resist responding too quickly. Pause and look beneath the surface. There may be a heart crying out to you for help.

Warren Baldwin