Land Mines

LAND MINES

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble. Proverbs 4:18,19

Into the black of night shines the first gleam of dawn, dispelling the darkness and giving sight to our eyes. This experience of first light and the ability to see is a metaphor for the spiritual light that shines into our hearts when we follow the way of godly wisdom and walk in the path of righteousness. The righteous can see the dangers of foolish living because God’s light, mediated through the wise words of the Sage and other godly teachers, enlightens their heart. In the wisdom of Proverbs, such behavior as anger, resentment, adultery, excessive spending, gossip, miserliness, inconsiderate humor, lying, violence, theft, laziness, incessant talking, and unreflective speech are foolish and sinful. The wise pursue the path away from these things, continually seeking the light of God.

The wicked do not live in the light but in the darkness, so they can not see the dangers that follow sinful and foolish living. They stumble along, as in the black of night, losing friendships, getting into trouble, losing their money, constantly arguing and fighting, shattering families, and they "do not know what makes them stumble," even though it is their own behavior. Two common responses of foolish people to the harm that comes into their lives is, "It is someone else’s fault" and "Why am I always so unlucky?"

I’ve learned that even those who pursue the light, and try living wisely, encounter situations that make them stumble and they do not know why. They try to maintain healthy attitudes of love and gratitude and they try to live righteously, but they occasionally find themselves inexplicably acting out of character. They may explode in anger, flirt, accept the amorous overtures of a stranger, act immorally, or tear down another’s reputation. How can ten or fifteen years of righteous living be disrupted by such unusual behavior in a good person’s life?

A preacher meeting with a young ministry couple told them, "If you have any unresolved issues in your lives, address them now, early in your marriage and ministry. If you have any neglect, abuse, deep-seated anger, or aberrant behavior, get it out and address it now. Seek counseling if you need help identifying and addressing some of the problems. A few years from now the pressures of marriage, family and ministry will squeeze you like a sponge, and if you don’t have your inner issues resolved, they will erupt out of your life with ugly and destructive force."

My friend and fellow preacher, Leslie Chapman, says we all have land mines in our lives. A land mine is an explosive device used by the military during a war. It is buried just under the surface of the ground, typically on a path frequented by the opposition. An enemy soldier walking along will unknowingly step on the land mine and trigger the mechanism, causing an explosion that will surely maim, and possibly kill, the soldier who stepped on it and others standing nearby.


Usually after a war land mines are removed. But, they can’t always be accounted for and some remain in place even after hostilities have ceased. Many of the land mines Russia buried in Afghanistan in the 1980s were not removed at the end of the war, and years afterwards civilians were injured and killed when they unsuspectingly stepped on one. The force of the bomb, which should have been exploded during the initial hostilities, remained buried and out of sight, and caused its destruction years later against innocent people.

Land mines in our lives are like that, too. Even after righteous living for many years, an event or conversation can trigger a land mine that has been buried in our lives for years, even decades. The trigger might be a perceived slight, an injustice, financial pressure, changes in the home, business failure, and a host of other things. The trigger takes us back, immediately, to the emotions of the abuse, unresolved hurts, anger or moral failure we experienced years before. In nanoseconds we relieve the original experience and feel the emotions of it. So, when we react to the trigger event, we are not responding to it like we think we are, but the to unresolved event from years before. And, like the land mine, we explode with destructive force against innocent people who had nothing to do with our original problems.



Land mines in our lives can take several forms. For some, significant pressure can lead them to explode in wrath and rage. They may make harsh accusations and even threats. When the rage subsides and emotions settle, they will ask themselves, "What just happened? Why did I do that? I’m not even that upset with the guy, in fact, he is my friend."

For someone else, significant stress and pressure, particularly if it is at home, may lead them to seek relief in the wrong set of arms. But, feeling failure or lack of appreciation at work can be triggers for immoral behavior, too. Someone dwelling excessively on self-pitying emotions and thinking "I deserve to be treated better," is a prime candidate for an affair. There is a man or woman out there who is equally desperate for attention, and will readily grant you the understanding and affection you seek.

Land mine explosions are not limited to angry eruptions or adultery. They can include belittling humor, pornography, stealing, lying, and violence. A land mine explosion is any behavior that is foolish or sinful and is out of character for the person performing it. After their aberrant and unusual acting out they wonder where the bad attitudes and behavior came from. Like the man walking in darkness, they do not know what made them stumble.

You can not undo a land mine, but you can learn from it and even profit from it. Here are some suggestions for dealing with the land mine episodes in your life.

One, own the emotions and behavior. Yes, it may have been out of character, but you said it or did it. You are guilty, so admit it. Denying, minimizing or dismissing the sinfulness and destructiveness of your actions will not erase them, but will simply re-bury the land mine, readying it with another deadly charge. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:8). Openness and honesty are the beginning steps to shine light into the darkness of our hearts and purge the evil.

Two, Take stock of what happened. What was the trigger that made you explode? Why were you so unstable and combustible? Have similar events happened in your past that you never addressed then? Is it possible that these past experiences are lying just under the surface of your heart and are too easily activated? Talking to a friend or even a counselor may help identify patterns in your life and behavior that will reveal unresolved issues.

Three, don’t blame anyone else for your current problems or even past ones. Parents who were neglectful, siblings who were abusive or former employers who were unappreciative may explain some of your unstable tendencies, but simply blaming them will not relieve you of the problems. The problems are yours to deal with.

Four, make amends when possible and appropriate to anyone you have hurt. Apologize, make repayment for anything you have damaged or taken, seek reconciliation. A third party may be necessary to help with this.

Five, work on your character. Continue walking in the path of righteousness. Seek God’s will for all things in your life. Pray for strength in your areas of weakness. Do not leave the land mines in your life unresolved. Left unattended they will eventually explode, and the damage they cause can be irreparable.

Through Christ we have been set free from the law of sin and death (Rom. 8:2). But, even though we have crossed from death to life in Christ, the heart continues to be a battleground where the old man of sin and the new man of righteousness struggle for control. We have to submit to the Spirit of Christ that now reigns in our hearts and is actively working to purge the sinful nature. "Therefore, do not let sin (a land mine?) reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires" (Rom. 8:12).

God is working to purge our lives of darkness and the foolishness, sin and land mines that proliferate in it. Submit your will to his, humbly and honestly admit sin, and seek God’s work in your life for character transformation.

Warren Baldwin

Acting Out

ACTING OUT

Cheryl and I were driving some teenagers to an exciting youth rally. One of the girls had become like a member of our family ever since she moved to our congregation three years before at age twelve. We visited with her parents and grandparents and she was a frequent fixture in our home.

But something was different on this day as we drove to the yearly youth event. Instead of the usual laughter and pleasant talk, our friend was rude. If I asked her a question she was sarcastic and sharp with her reply.

At the motel my wife said to me, "She is being so rude I’d like to just turn around and take her home. She had no right talking to you that way."

I had to agree. Even though my feelings were a bit stung, though, I knew there was something operating beneath the surface level. This behavior and speech was so out-of-character for this girl, I knew something had to be eating at her heart and soul.

Through years of working with youth and three kids of my own, Cheryl and I have learned that children act out for several reasons. One is that acting out is fun. There is a certain thrill that comes with crossing forbidden lines.

A second reason is that young people are sinners. Why do any of us sin? Before we give ourselves to Christ we have an unregenerate nature that exerts its will and pushes us into rebellious behavior.

Thirdly, kids act out because they want attention. It is horribly chilling to feel we are all alone. Kids see others in what appear to be genuine relationships and they die to be in one themselves. If you add to this desire any estrangement with their family at home, they are doubly lonely. So, they may act out just to get recognized. In Blind Spots author Bill McCartney notes this tendency in kids who act out, and says that they "are often comforted just from the fact that their parents care enough to get angry and come back at them" (p.74). Taking the time to engage with your kid through sports, music or whatever interests them can prevent much heartache later on.

Finally, kids can act out because they are carrying a terribly heavy burden. In the case of our young friend, we learned shortly afterwards that she had an abortion just before the youth trip. The baby’s father, a church leader’s son, had gotten the girl drunk and then used her. When he found out she was pregnant he yelled at her and said, "Get rid of it! Get rid of it!" Her parents thought she was too young to have a baby, so they supported the abortion as well. Everyone seemed to want it except this sweet girl. Now, weeks after the abortion, her heart was bursting with sadness, shame and guilt. That is why she was so verbally offensive in the vehicle. She was crying out to Cheryl and me, "There is something horrible in my life that I need help with, but I can’t tell you! I’m too ashamed! Instead, I’ll act like the terrible person I feel right now, and I hope you can pick up on it. Please don’t be put off by my mean speech. Read beneath the lines and help me, please!"

It is hard for a teenager that is lonely or carrying a secret sin to make themselves vulnerable to anyone. Being vulnerable may be why they are hurting now, so why risk any further ridicule or rejection from an adult? Acting out with offensive behavior or speech seems a better option for them, since it now places the burden to act on the adult.

The Bible warns that our speech should be wholesome and our behavior thoughtful of others (Eph. 4:29-32). Improper talk and behavior must be addressed. But, remember that lurking underneath the offending words and actions may be something more than a mischievous or sinful heart. There may also be a heart that is lonely and broken, one crying out for healthy attention from a concerned adult.

If a teen has singled you out for some uncharacteristically sharp words, resist responding too quickly. Pause and look beneath the surface. There may be a heart crying out to you for help.

Warren Baldwin

Process of Forgiving

PROCESS OF FORGIVING

Forgiveness is not something that happens automatically or easily. This is especially true if what you must forgive is something very personal and painful.

Colossians 3:12-13 says, "As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." The means by which we can be kind, gentle and forgiving is stated in v.14: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

If this verse isn’t challenging enough, Jesus himself said, "If you do not forgive men their sins, our Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:15. One apostle listening to these words was a bit slow in getting the message of forgiveness. He later asked Jesus, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, by seventy-seven times" (or seventy times seven times). Matthew 18:21-22.

These verses provide some very direct, sharp teaching about forgiving people who have hurt us and thus people at whome we are angry. Forgive, Jesus said, and don’t even keep track of the number of times you do it. Forgive, Paul said, because God has given you the love required to do it."

I believe that. But I still believe that forgiveness is not always automatic or easy. If it was, the Bible wouldn’t say so much about how and why we must forgive. If forgiveness was automatic or easy we would just do it.

I think forgiveness is a process, a process that sometimes takes months, even years, if the offense against us is serious enough. If you have been slandered, abused, violently mistreated, forgiveness may be a long, long process. If a family member has been violently mistreated, forgiveness may be a life-long process. That is ok, so long as you keep working at it.

The first step in the process of forgiveness is feeling hurt. If you have been badly mistreated and are hurt, admit that hurt. Stuffing the feeling or ignoring it will not help you or the situation. Stuffed feelings are still there, pressed deeply into the heart and psyche, breeding ugly thoughts and revenge. Instead, honestly and openly admit, "I have been hurt." Your emotions may swing from just wanting to forget it to feeling numb to crying. That’s ok, own those feelings.

The second step is anger, even hate, if the offense is serious enough. During this phase we may feel anger, rage, and even a hunger for revenge. We may want to retaliate and hurt the person who hurt us with as much or more severity. We all know what the Bible says about hate. It says, "Don’t do it!" We know it is wrong to hate, so when we feel hate we tend to deny it. Don’t. Again, if we are feeling this emotion the proper response is not to stuff it deep inside, where it will smolder and erupt violently later on. The thing to do is diffuse it through acknowledging the presence of hate and confessing it.

After confessing our hate and hatred we can move on to the third step in the process of forgiving: healing. Healing means we have worked through the hurt and hate and we experience a lessening of the negative emotions. We can actually begin to pray for the one who hurt us. We can move from wishing him harm to wishing well for him.

Finally, we can begin again. Beginning again means we can enter into and enjoy relationship again. In many cases it means we can function again with the one who offended us. It means we can look objectively at the conflict situation and even take responsibility for our part in it. Beginning again is very, very refreshing. (Note: The above 4 points are from Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve").

How can we possibly work through the pain of hurt and hate to healing and beginning again? I’ll repeat Colossians 3:14: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." God has blessed us with a loving and compassionate spirit. This is our power and ability to forgive.

John Patton has written: "Human forgiveness is not an act but a discovery that I am more like those who have hurt me than different from them; that I am capable of also hurting others very deeply. I am able to forgive when I discover that I am in no position to forgive ... at its heart is the recognition of my reception into the community of sinners - those affirmed by God as his children." ("Is Human Forgiveness Possible?", p.16).

This is a humbling statement: I am like those who hurt me. Haven’t I hurt others? Sure. I am part of a community of sinners. Can I claim to be without sin? No. I need to forgive others for the simple reason that I need others to forgive me.

How do we know when we have successfully navigated the steps of hurt, hate, healing and beginning again? One writer answered this by saying, "You know when you have forgiven when you can wish the other person well." (Managing the Congregation, p.372).

I am thankful to God for the forgiveness we have received from him. Rom. 6:8. I am also thankful that he has given us the means by which we can forgive others: his love.

Warren Baldwin
September 7, 2008

The Enemy

THE ENEMY

"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you" (Proverbs 25:21-22). This proverb is probably better known because of Paul’s quotation of it in Romans 12:20 than it is known and appreciated in its original form in Proverbs. Before this verse became a guiding principle for the Christians in Rome to apply to their lives and unity in the church, it was important in the wisdom tradition.

Enemies are a fact of life. I would like to think that we could live so kindly, so compassionately and so selflessly that we could have all people like us and enjoy our company, and so eliminate enemies. That will happen one day, in heaven. But until then, enemies are a fact of life and a reminder that we live in a fallen world.

One question Solomon doesn’t raise directly is, "Who is my enemy?" Just who am I supposed to give food and water to? Mention the word "enemy" and most people conjure up images of armies arrayed on either side of a battle line, each raining bombs and bullets against the other side. That is one sense of enemy, and in this sense an enemy is someone we are against, someone we probably don’t like, and someone we are actively seeking to harm, even kill. This traditional sense of enemy pits "us" against "them."

But in Proverb 25:21-22 Solomon doesn’t give us the prerogative of not liking someone. This passage is about someone who does not like us. The enemy is literally "the one who hates you."1 This understanding of enemy doesn’t limit the discussion to the battlefield; it moves it into our personal lives. An enemy in this realm is anyone who harbors attitudes of ill will for us or who engages in behavior that is dangerous to us. As we will see in a moment, an enemy could be anyone who is deceitful toward us, angry, full of hate, a gossip or greedy. An enemy is someone who disturbs and disrupts peaceful life in the community of family, church, work, or anywhere else that people gather.

The real issue in the discussion of "enemy" is the heart. Proverbs doesn’t just address people’s behavior. It penetrates deeper, to the heart. The heart is the seed bed of future behavior. In the heart are hidden people’s motives, drives and inclinations. If we could peer into a person’s heart we could find there the stirring of their emotions and convictions that will lead to a person’s future actions, whether good or bad. This is why Solomon cautions us to "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).

What causes trouble among friends and brothers? A common word in Proverbs for disrupted relationships in community is "dissension." Dissension is brawling, contention, discord and strife.2 I think of dissension in relationships as a mountain stream or river. I’ve lived in Wyoming where there are streams, rivers and even irrigation ditches that flow down a mountain. These are not calm, inviting waters. Rather, these waters are rapid, tumultuous, even violent. The rapid force of the water creates a churning that can capsize a boat. Where the land levels off and the water pools the surface might look calm, but underneath the surface the water can still be excessively turbulent, so much so that a man can not even stand in three feet of water. The pressure of the water below the surface can knock a man off of his feet and drag him into the fury caused by the speed and pressure of the water cascading down the mountain.

Dissension in relationships can be like that. It can have the churning and fury of water crashing down a mountain or it can even have the illusion of calm on the surface with all the fury hiding just beneath the apparent calm. Some people or relationships carry all the tell-tale evidence of fury: a fierce some scowl, glaring stare, a drawn and tight jaw. They are ready for some dissension! Others mask their fury with a smile, but underneath the surface they are hazardous to your feelings and to relationships.

Disruptive Behaviors

There are at least five behaviors Solomon discusses in Proverbs that contribute to causing dissension and disrupting kinship and friendship.

The first cause of dissensions is deceitful and manipulative behavior. "A scoundrel and villain, who goes about with a corrupt mouth, who winks with his eye, signals with his feet and motions with his fingers, who plots evil with deceit in his heart-- he always stirs up dissension." (Proverbs 6:12-14). "A scoundrel plots evil" (16:27). "As a scoundrel, he works to undermine the solidarity of the community for the sake of his own benefit."3 The scoundrel’s "behavior and speech create discord in the community ... their deeds and speech cause harm to others."4

The picture of this villainous scoundrel is one who cares only for himself and works only for his own selfish pursuits. He has no higher allegiance than his own appetites, and all of his work is to satisfy them. His appetites may be physical or material, such as for sex or monetary gain. Or, his desires may be emotional, enhancing his own esteem by belittling you . In either case, he is being selfish, but he isn’t an honest selfish. No, the bodily descriptions of his behavior indicate that he works on the sly: he winks with his eye (10:10; 16:30), signals with his feet and motions with his fingers. The scoundrel is being deceitful and manipulative, communicating with his partners in deception in "plotting perversity" (16:30).

Solomon advocates honest hearts that speak with candor and truth: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love" (27:5). Honest people share their plans openly, they reveal the content of their heart, they show their true hand. If they try to recruit you for a project, they are open about what they need and how you can help. If they are selling a product, they point out the benefits of their product but will also be careful to not oversell and not misrepresent what they are trying to get you to buy. But a deceiver and manipulator will conceal their real plans and will misrepresent the intent of their heart. They are not seeking to meet any needs but their own. If they have to lie they will. They use cunning, even employing the assistance of other crafty men with whom they communicate with covert body language.

Because of their deceit and manipulation, scoundrels are disruptive to families, churches and even the work place. They cannot be trusted or depended upon. They will work one person in the community against another. They will gossip against members of the fellowship, separating close friends (16:28). They work behind the scenes, recruiting people who are on the margin of the group, and use them to bolster their own position within the community. Even if their goals are honorable, their surreptitious methods negate any positive outcome. They are disruptive and destructive, and Solomon says the consequence of their behavior is destruction (v.15).

A second behavior that creates dissension is anger. "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel" (Proverbs 15:18). "An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins" (Proverbs 29:22). Anger is the seed-bed of hatred (discussed below). Anger that is not repented of and is allowed to fester can become a dangerous force for destruction: "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming ..." (Proverbs 27:4). Normally calm and gentle people can become dangerous and violent if the anger takes a hold in their hearts and is allowed to germinate.

Even the anger of God has a destructive force to it. Isaiah writes of the anger of God: "Therefore the LORD's anger burns against his people; his hand is raised and he strikes them down. The mountains shake, and the dead bodies are like refuse in the streets. Yet for all this, his anger is not turned away, his hand is still upraised" (Isaiah 5:25). The anger of God, however, unlike that of most of us, ultimately has a redemptive purpose to it (Isaiah 43:1). God acts out in anger against his people at times to awaken their hearts and move them to repentance.

But the anger that most of us experience toward someone is not redemptive in nature. Our anger is generally not expressed to awaken spiritual need in sinners and urge them toward repentance! When we express anger it is generally a venting of our own hostility!

I heard psychologist Lynn Jones say that anger is the result of unmet expectations. We have certain expectations for how other people ought to behave. When their behavior does not meet our expectations, we get angry. If we don’t deal effectively with that anger, in gentle confrontation or personal confession, we will either vent, suppress or repress that anger. Anger that is vented is anger that is "let out." It lashes out at others and hurts them. Anger that is suppressed or repressed is "stuffed" in the heart and mind, building in intensity and fervor until it explodes in uncontrolled fury. The anger may explode outwards against others, or in the case of some people, it may be turned inward and wreck havoc against the individual harboring the anger in the form of depression, heart problems or even cancer.5

"A hot-tempered one commits many sins." A hot-tempered man is not the one who occasionally gets annoyed at people or circumstances. A hot-tempered man is one who carries past grievances with him, well past the point of when he should have dealt constructively with them. Now, he lives with his nerves on edge, his fuse short, his emotions a "time bomb." The slightest provocation could cause him to unleash the present anger and the anger he has stored up for years. Often, his explosion is way out of proportion to the incident that caused him to be upset. He may speak words that are cutting and hateful, or he may even commit acts of violence. "A hot-tempered one commits many sins."

Because of his many sins the angry, hot-tempered man is a detriment to community. People are afraid of him. They withdraw from him because they don’t want to be hurt. People who are scathed by his burning anger may even withdraw to the point of leaving a church, changing jobs or skipping Thanksgiving dinner at home.

For the one struggling with this kind of internalized anger, it is very important to acknowledge its presence in your life, openly confess it and repent of it before God, apologize and make amends to anyone you have hurt, and learn to process angry situations as they arise. Processing includes acknowledging your anger, identifying the unmet expectation that led to the anger, and then challenging the unmet expectation. Was your expectation realistic? Should you change the expectation if it was not realistic? Do you need to communicate openly (and calmly!) with the person you are angry at?6 When Paul tried to develop a greater sense of community among the Ephesians he taught that they would need to learn how to properly process their anger: "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (Ephesians 4:26).

A third cause of dissension hatred. "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs" (Proverbs 10:12). Hatred is the opposite of love, which is also discussed in this verse. Love "covers over all wrongs." "Covers over" could refer to ignoring an offense (Proverbs 12:16; 19:11 and Eccl. 7:21) or to forgiving the offense (James 5:20). In either sense love works to alleviate hard feelings and fractured relationships. It will go so far as to bear a hurt, overlook an offense in the interests of relationship, and even forgive the offender. Love is forgiving, healing, and community-building.

Hatred has just the opposite effect of love. Where love seeks to repair and rebuild, hatred seeks to tear apart and destroy. To harbor hate for someone is to desire ill-will for them, even to seek to do them harm. Hatred is both an attitude and a behavior. It is an attitude of ill will7 in one’s heart that finds expression in acts of ill will that hurt another. In the Old Testament God had cities of refuge built for a man to flee to who had "unintentionally, without malice (hatred) aforethought" killed his neighbor (Deuteronomy 19:4). The neighbor’s death was an accident, but the man responsible for the death was still in grave danger of being killed by the "avenger of blood." The city of refuge was a place the man could run to and wait in safety while passions subsided and an investigation into the cause of death could ensue. But the city of refuge was not a place for a murderer to hide out. God stipulated that "if a man hates his neighbor and lies in wait for him, assaults and kills him, and then flees to one of the these cities," he is to be taken from the city and given to the avenger of blood who shall punish the murderer without mercy (Deut. 19:11-13). Here, an attitude of hate led to the action of hate: murder. Jesus said it is not enough to say that you haven’t murdered anyone. If you harbor anger in your heart, a disposition that can turn to resentment and hate, you are already in danger of judgment (Matthew 5:21-22).

One of the anomalies of hatred is that it makes us blind to the destructive nature of our own behavior. Hatred becomes a defense mechanism to cover our own sins. Amnon was a young man who burned with lust for his half-sister Tamar. With the aid of his evil cousin Jonadab, the two devised a scheme for Amnon to rape Tamar. After he had violated his half sister, "Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her." Instead of showing any compassion to the woman he brutalized and hurt, Amnon yelled at her, "Get up and get out!" (2 Sam. 13:15).

Amnon demonstrates that hatred is such a powerful force it has the ability to destroy not only those whom the hate is directed at, but even the one who does the hating. Hate destroyed Amnon by hardening his heart and continuing the despicable treatment of his half-sister. Instead of having compassion for her pain and humiliation, his vile heart led him to hate her even more! Hatred became the cover for his sin, and also led to his inability to repent. Ultimately, hate destroyed Amnon because it led Absalom, Tamar’s brother, to kill Amnon in retaliation (2 Sam. 13:28-29). Hatred breeds hatred.

Hatred, like deceit and manipulation, is a selfish attitude that destroys. It destroys families, churches and business. It even destroys the one who does the hating. Hatred ultimately destroys community.

Gossip is another cause of dissension. "A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends" (Proverbs 16:28). A perverse man is one who cannot or will not live at peace with other people. His inability to function with others may come from low self esteem or sinful attitudes he is harboring. He is not at peace with himself so he can not be at peace with those around him. His inner disposition of discord and disharmony is projected outward toward others. One sinful behavior he projects outward toward others is gossip, a major cause of tearing apart relationships.

"A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret" (Proverbs 11:13). This verse is best understood when read with the last part of verse twelve: "A man of understanding holds his tongue." Solomon doesn’t provide all the details we would like to know about what the "man of understanding" is silent about. Is he withholding a critical judgment about someone? (See 12:a). Is he keeping a confidence? Is he refusing to sling mud about another person’s character? It may be all of these suggestions. What is implied about the man of understanding is that he is showing restraint in what he says about others. He is contributing to a positive moral climate rather than rob from it. Verses 12 and 13 set in sharp contrast the character of those who "conceal" and those who "reveal" matters that need to be kept in confidence. The character of those who practice restraint contributes to good feelings and positive interaction among people; the character of those who reveal, the gossips, contributes to feelings of betrayal and hurt. Good friends can be separated by the pernicious speech of the gossip.

What exactly is the "work" of the gossip? One word for gossip means slanderer. Interestingly, this word is a derivative of a word that means "to go about." Leviticus 19:16 says, "Do not go about spreading slander among your people."8 The picture is of one who goes from house to house bearing tales about other people (cf. 1 Timothy 5:13). Another word for gossip is murmur or whisper.9 In Isaiah 29:24 this word appears as "complain."

Looking at these various terms together, Proverbs presents a picture of the gossip as one who is unhappy about something or someone (maybe himself!). He expresses his unhappiness in murmuring and complaining. But there is a dishonesty to this murmuring and complaining: instead of confronting the one he is unhappy with, the gossip goes about from house to house offering his complaints to others in hushed, muffled tones. His speech is like a whisper, not meant for others to hear. He will say one thing in this house then may go to another house and say something else.

You can see why Solomon says, "a gossip separates close friends." No one can be in long term intimate communion with this person! Today you might be the recipient of this person’s talebearing about someone else, but tomorrow you may be the target! Since the gossip betrays confidences, can you be comfortable revealing anything about yourself to him? Not unless you want your personal life to become the subject at someone else’s table. "A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much" (Proverbs 20:19). The man who talks too much is not showing restraint. He is not like the "man of understanding in 11:12b who shows restraint by withholding judgment and keeping silent. The gossip has no restraint. He speaks about things and people in an uncontrolled manner. He speaks foolishly (RSV). His speech tears down the reputation of other people and pits people against one another by stories he tells.

The gossip has serious character flaws of self-control, honesty and integrity that must be addressed in his life before he can reign in his loose tongue. Until he address them, his speech will continue to light fires in relationships (Proverbs 26:20) and disrupt community. People will become angry at others simply on the basis of the gossipers talebearing! To limit the effectiveness of the gossip, everyone else in the community (family, church, work, etc.) must band together and refuse the prattling of the gossip lest the community suffer (2 Corinthians 12:20).

A final determining factor in creating dissension is greed. "A greedy man stirs up dissension, but he who trusts in the LORD will prosper" (Proverbs 28:25). Greed is the desire for more and more. Greed can be more than just a desire; it can become a burning passion. Greed can be as subtle as someone who habitually won’t pay his full share of the lunch bill or it can be as pronounced as someone who is never at home because he is always working or who cheats at business to make more money. At the lower extreme a greedy person can be annoying but at the more advanced stages greed can be devastating. "A greedy man brings trouble to his family ..." (Proverbs 15:27).

The basic character flaw in the greedy person is that he trusts in "things." The man set in contrast to the greedy person is the man who places his confidence for security in God: "A greedy man stirs up dissension, but he who trusts in the LORD will prosper" (Proverbs 28:25). The desire to acquire more and more betrays a confidence in that which one possesses. Money may give one a sense of security about the future; possessions may give one the feeling that they belong to a certain community or social group; a new and bigger home may give the assurance that one "has arrived." These are all an illusion. We know that money or possessions can not offer us any security or hope in end. We will leave this world without those things and they may certainly disappoint us while we are still alive. But a driving concern to acquire material things can lead a man to neglect his family and spiritual life, compromise his personal integrity, and disrupt the lives of those around him. A greedy person who takes advantage of family and friends for the sake of gain is a person we get weary of having around! This may be the man of Proverbs 28:24: "He who robs his father or mother and says, ‘It’s not wrong’ - he is partner to him who destroys." The greedy man is certainly described in verse 26:"He who trusts in himself is a fool ..." The greedy man thinks he can acquire what he needs on his own to be satisfied, safe and secure. That is foolish.

The opposite of the greedy man is one who trusts in the Lord. Proverbs promises that he will prosper. While it is possible that Solomon has material gain in mind (cf. Proverbs 12:14 and 14:23), he likely has in mind relational concerns. The man who trusts in God does not need to use other people for selfish gain. He can enjoy the company of other people simply for the pleasure of their company. A man who trusts in the Lord and has a godly character has a spirit of community and genuine concern for others so they will enjoy and benefit from his presence: "... goodwill is found among the upright" (Proverbs 14:9; cf. 14:26). His speech and behavior builds goodwill and goodwill builds a sense of togetherness.

The one who fears God has no need to fear what the greedy man fears: "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence ..." (Proverbs 3:25&26). The greedy man cannot trust in God for his confidence, but the one who fears the Lord can. God is his stability, and the values of God serve as his ethics for life.

Greed can be overcome like any other sin if one will acknowledge the futility and the foolishness of "trusting in himself." Until then, the greedy person will continue to be a hazard to himself, his family and anyone else around him.

What can we do with people like this in our lives? "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you" (Proverbs 25:21-22). My first thought upon reading this passage is to say, "No way! There is no way that we can respond to those who disrupt our lives with this kind of generous spirit!" My next thought would be to wonder if there are any examples in the scripture of people of God responding in this kind of charitable fashion to people who are mean to them. The answer is: yes.

In 2 Chronicles 28 there is a story about Ahaz, a young kind of Judah. In one battle Judah was defeated by Aram. Many of the soldiers of Judah were taken as prisoners to Damascus. In another battle with their northern brothers, the Israelites, Ahaz and Judah were defeated again. The Israelites took men and women of Judah back to Israel as slaves. But as the returning Israelites reached Samaria, they were met by a prophet of God who exhorted them to release their prisoners or else they would incur the Lord’s wrath. The soldiers of Israel listened and obeyed, releasing their prisoners. But they also took care of them.

The men designated by name took the prisoners, and from the plunder they clothed all who were naked. They provided them with clothes and sandals, food and drink, and healing balm. All those who were weak they put on donkeys. So they took them back to their fellow countrymen at Jericho ... (2 Chronicles. 28:15).

Recorded for us in the Word of God is a story of battlefield enemies showing mercy and compassion to their defeated foe. It may not have happened very often, but the fact that it happened at the instigation of the prophet of God shows God’s concern for the proper treatment of enemies.

But the enemies Solomon is writing about in 25:21-22 may not be this battlefield variety. The enemy here is likely the woman at work who gossips about you, or the greedy in-law who never offers his house or food for family gatherings, or the co-worker who is envious and angry that you got the promotion and not them. These are the enemies we will likely face. And rather than responding to them in a similar odious fashion, Solomon counsels a compassionate response (cf. Proverbs 24:17,18).

How to Respond to our "Enemies"

Bearing in mind that our enemies are those who don’t like us, what can we do when confronted with people who are abusing or misusing us through their deceit and manipulation, their anger, their hatred, their gossip or their greed? How can we fulfill the kind and generous spirit of Proverbs 25:21-22 toward them?

First, I think we must tend to our own heart. Remember Solomon’s advice to "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). Do we harbor any ill will ourselves? Are we truly above reproach in the dissension we are in and the negative attitudes and behaviors being directed toward us? Have we flaunted a success in the face of a friend, co-worker, or a member of our family or church and given them cause for envy? Do we try to steal the limelight and help produce the anger in another?

Have participated in murmuring, complaining and gossiping against someone else? Do we harbor even slight anger or resentment toward another? Any of these sinful attitudes or behaviors could prompt another to respond in kind toward us, or they can color our perception of another’s behavior. The deceitfulness and envy we see in other people may be but the reflection of our own deceitfulness and envy!

Secondly, we must approach tense and troubled relationships with prayer. Jesus urged us to, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matthew 5:44). We can’t pray like this unless we have first tended to our own heart and life and identified any inappropriate attitudes or behaviors of our own. We can’t expect someone else to live by God’s principles of appropriate relational behavior if we aren’t willing to as well: "If anyone turns a deaf ear to the law, even his prayers are detestable." (Proverbs 28:9). When we are trying to live by the law we expect another to uphold, we can then pray for forgiveness, for God’s presence in the dissension, and for the good of our "enemies."

Thirdly, we must seek the good will of those who dislike us. "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him." (Proverbs 24:17-18). Everyone is sad when the starting quarterback sprains his ankle ... except for the backup quarterback. One man’s misfortune is another man’s opportunity. A counselor or preacher who experiences a moral slip has a lot of people who grieve his actions, but he also has some who say from the shadows, "I figured he’d get his someday. See if he’ll act so holy now." Ah, we all know the joy of seeing an enemy stumble, don’t we? But Solomon warns against gloating when that happens. Who knows, the stumbling of our enemy may well be God’s action in his life! But if we take pleasure at another’s misfortune, God may respond to our own sinful spirit by removing the source of misfortune from the one we are gloating over!

Fourthly, we must NOT seek revenge. "Do not say, ‘I’ll pay you back for this wrong!’ Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.’" (Proverbs 20:22). Revenge is such a sweet emotion to experience! To see our "enemy" receive the pain and discomfort they have caused us to experience is a gratification that knows few rivals. But revenge is not our right. God reserves the right of vengeance for himself: "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay.’" (Romans 12:9). Our purpose in life is to be a blessing to the lives of others, not evil: "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called ..."(1 Peter 3:9). How can we crawl into the trenches of insult, gossip and revenge and not get contaminated by the moral filth we descend into? Our own hearts will get sullied in the process of evening the score.

Fifthly, we must seek reconciliation. Since Adam and Eve God has been at working reconciling relationships. God seeks the reconciliation of his children to himself, and he seeks the reconciliation of his children among themselves. God doesn’t just demand reconciliation of us; he seeks the reconciliation. God sought out Abraham, Joseph and others to lead God’s people in covenant relationship and communal living. God sent Jesus to be the means of reconciling all people to himself and each other. Today, as we live out the demands of covenant life, we emulate the work of God and Jesus by seeking reconciliation between people, including people we are estranged from! We take the lead. We step out in faith. We "work out our salvation in fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12), not in the sense that we earn salvation, but we work for the reconciliation of brothers.

Efforts made at reconciliation may be successful. We may win a brother back into warm fellowship. But, even our best efforts may be met with rejection and disappointment. We can’t control that. All we can control is our own attitudes and behavior. We must remember that "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). God is the ultimate author of reconciliation, and if it fits his schedule, God will allow the healing of wounds and the mending of friendship.

Warren Baldwin, 2006

Note:
1.Dave Bland, "Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Song of Songs" in The College Press NIV Commentary (Joplin, MO: College Press, 2002). p.229.

2.James Strong, "mâdôwn" in Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2001).

3.Bland, p.89.

4.Leo. G. Purdue, "Proverbs" in Interpretation (Louisville: John Knox Press, 2000), p.125.

5.Lynn Jones, Marriage Matters, St. Charles, MO, Feb. 20, 2000.

6.Ibid.

7.Gerard Van Groningen, "śane‘" in Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, ed. R. Laird Harris, et.al. (Chicago: Moody Press, 1980), 2:879-880.

8.William White, "rakal" in Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, ed. R. Laird Harris, et.al. (Chicago: Moody Press, 1980), 2:848.

9.William White, "r~gan" in Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, ed. R. Laird Harris, et.al. (Chicago: Moody Press, 1980), 2:832).